Oh sweet Lyndy.
How you are hurting. There is pain you can't even begin to explain, and you are struggling to find a way to fix it. You don't have a reason for the pain, at least not one you can think of right now. You won't realize what the pain is from for a few more years.
But trust me. You will overcome!
If I could write a letter to myself, a letter to a younger me, it would started like that. I would tell myself exactly what everyone in my life was trying to tell me, but I was to stubborn and hardheaded to listen. If only I would've. The struggle would've been less painful, the truth would've revealed itself, and I could've started living my best life sooner.
However, that's not what happened. I was the stubborn, hardheaded teenager. I didn't care what others told me, I knew what was best. I wanted to make my own mistakes, I didn't want to learn from others. Oh the heartache I was causing.
It's said that if a girl is chasing boys, then she has issues feeling loved at home. I want you to know that my parents are THE most loving, caring, thoughtful, and faithful people in my life. It didn't matter what I did, I always knew they loved me. The hole I was trying to fill was from the unknown with my adoption. When actually, I was trying to fill a hole that was only meant to be filled by God.
In my opinion, everyone has a hole they are trying to fill. And we each try to fill it differently. Through boys, as I did, or with alcohol, drugs, or money. Or even "less extreme" ways: hobbies, friends and family, even work.
Whatever we put above God, that is how we are trying to fill our hole.
I am not saying that I don't still try to fill my hole with things other than God. But I have learned over the years, that the only way to actually feel satisfied it through Jesus. Purposefully making time for Him during my day, even when I would rather sleep. Or focusing on how I can be Jesus to others in my actions and words. I am continuously working on planting a better harvest for myself. I want to be the light others need, I want to be there for someone who is struggling, especially if they are struggling the same way I was.
God is constantly work on my heart. I know this. And I am constantly looking for ways to be Jesus. My past is a part of me, it cannot be changed. But I can use my pain, struggle, and circumstances to help others. And that's how God is going to use me.
Jesus lover, wife, momma, teacher, and hopeful writer.